Hello puppet, mimic, marionette.
Zombie, vegetable, trance-walker.
Hello to the one who is unconcerned.
Hello to the thinker who stops just short of thought.
Hello to the person to which everything is casual.
Hello to the efficient, the dutiful and the careful.
Hello to the person who hides themselves.
Hello to the person who pushes everything away and wonders why they’re so alone.
Hello to the person who has never met themselves.
Hello to the person who would be disappointed if they did.
Hello to the person who always wishes for what is proper.
Hello to the person who will never succeed.
Hello to the person who will never know their own pain.
Hello to the person who knows little else.
I am here to tell you that you do not have control. Consider that for a moment.
Some will nod, some will turn away. Some will panic, some will sigh in relief.
But, no, quietly now; you must listen and understand.
You wake up to your alarm and look at your phone. Scroll. Tap. Scroll. Pictures, words, fill your brain. Shit. You get up, rush through shower, teeth brushing, dressing. Grab breakfast. Time to fulfill your duty: school or work. On your way you put in your headphones and fill your head with music. Arrive, find your place in the greater order, sit. Focus your attention. Do as you are told; or else you might not get the privilege of a decent life. Lunchtime. Eat, chat, phone. You don’t feel right. Too late, your day continues. Go, work. If you’re lucky, you finish before the evening. Here, here is your prize, here is your freedom: a few hours to yourself. Have you ever met yourself? No, it’s time to make dinner. Turn on a show for background. Why do you need background? It doesn’t matter, it’s already on: basic, mindless. Watch it while you eat. You’re part of it now, finally at home in the experience of the viewing. Finally you’ve left behind everything else: pain, sadness, control. Watch it while you wash the dishes. An episode ends, leaving you suddenly cold and alone. Quickly, play the next one. If there are no more find something new to watch. Or listen to. Or play. A few hours until you have to sleep. What to do? Could go on a walk, but best to bring a podcast. Could work out, but not without music. Could relax on the couch; better bring your show. Get yourself a snack to eat while you watch, and a drink. Better lie down too. Oh you feel a little horny. But can’t ever just focus or do one thing. Better play some music. Better put a show on. Better make sure you never run out of books. Or clothes. Always get something new. Fill yourself with it. never alone, never quiet. Always fill your senses; always every possible orifice or possibility stuffed with media. “If my ears are open I might hear something I don’t want to. If my eyes wonder where will my thoughts go?. If my hands are free what will they do? If my mouth is empty what might it speak. If my desires are left unsatiated what could happen? I don’t want to find out. I’ll just take in more. It’ll all be alright if I don’t have any left over space. My life is efficient. My life is efficient. I’m doing as much as I can. Why doesn’t it work? I’m acting and acting and acting and I get nowhere. I do everything: my socials, my hair, keeping up with media, liking things.
But why isn’t there anything that I like? Where is my Joy?”
You have buried it, child.
“I have? No, I am a hard worker. I will reach my joy. I deserve it”
You forget that work and gain are unrelated; that it is sometimes better to do nothing at all.
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand. How can being useless be good?”
And why must good things be useful?
“because they have to have value. Everything has value. I have value. You have value”
Fiction, child. Where does the value of things come from?
“the price comes from the market; from the work put into making”
Price and value are unrelated. What do you value?
“I don’t know. I just pay my bills. I work hard, pay off the value on my credit card, my house.”
And why do you work hard?
“I work hard so that I can be free. So that I can be in control. I need money to have the things I want, to live a better life. So that I don’t have to scrounge for scraps. I make more money, so that I can be more free and so that I don’t have to depend on others. So that I have control over my life.”
You need money. But still you are lost. Let me set you straight on one thing now: you do not have control. You lost control long ago and, like a driver veering towards a cliff, you must quickly pull back the wheel to survive.
Let’s begin simply. Even you know you’re not in control in your work. The path is already laid out for you and deviation is strictly prohibited (two funny little words meaning you might finally meet some opposition). In your mind you willingly trade in this time for money which you equate with freedom. Here is your first stumble: money in the amounts you earn it is subsistence, not freedom. Your salary is a chain that ties you to your work and liberates you from nothing. Making more money than subsistence is not freedom, but power. Power to shape your world with services and luxuries. These can be nice, but they are not freedom or control.
But surely if your subsistence is secured and you have a few hours that are not controlled by others, then there must lie your freedom. Maybe, but you squander it without knowing. You fill it either with more slavery to money, a “side hustle,” or you plug your senses with media. You fill your mind with the thoughts of others and make what part of your self you still acknowledge merely a reaction. You are not you. You are the thoughts of others and your knee-jerk reaction to them. This is how you become.
In fact, you’re scared of meeting yourself. You fill every possible hole, every moment, through which your real self might escape, in a veneration of this reactionary being of consumption. You become what you watch, listen to, and buy.
If you turned all of it off what would happen? If you were alone for a moment what would life be like? Many would feel it a hell to unplug their ears and free their eyes and let themselves wander. Their minds would perhaps at first be dreadful, in uncontrollable revolt. This seems natural. Would you not also go a little crazy if you were tied up for years with no control? Suddenly with control you are not sure what to do.
Even when the ropes are cut, the reactionary nature that has been imprinted on the mind runs on; a bad program that just won’t close. You begin to react to yourself. Sadness triggers an indignation at the sadness. “Why are you sad you should be happy?” You begin to bully yourself. Even happy emotions make you question your own joy. “Couldn’t I be happier? Is this all there is?” Eventually you retreat back into your media.
If only you could for a minute shake off your chains and for once just meet yourself without judgement or reaction. Let your soul breath. Please, for just a moment. Simply turn to yourself and watch. Turn to yourself and listen.
The steps that you would never take, but could free your mind are these:
Stop plugging your senses in every available moment telling yourself you have to maximize your efficiency and your time.
Open them and wait.
An original thought from your mind will come, at least something greater than a petty reaction. Here you may meet yourself.
If you do not judge, but simply watch, you may even find something you like.
Only then are you finally free from the shackles of reaction. You’ve stopped stuffing you mind with the thoughts of others and your gut reactions to them and started to make some room for your own thoughts and feelings.
